One of God's victims?

The Hague, The Netherlands – February 10, 2012 - The International Criminal Court today announced a sweeping indictment of the Lord God Almighty for mass murder.

An ICC spokesman explained the indictment. “We are emerging from a dark era in which humanity failed to recognize the full personhood of fertilized eggs. Now that we know the truth, we must seek justice for the trillions of innocent babies slaughtered in cold blood by the Creator. Even now, as I make this statement, the killing continues unabated.

“Since a fertilized egg has all the rights and privileges of a full-fledged human being, anything which prevents one from developing into a healthy baby is an act of murder. Anyone who has watched a teen-aged girl pee on a stick, look at it five minutes later, and cry out ‘Thank God!’ while slumping to the floor crying hysterically, knows that when a zygote fails to implant itself in its mother’s uterus, the Master of the Universe is to blame.”

“The target of this indictment is the most cruel, merciless, evil, psychopathic mass murder the ICC has ever pursued,” the ICC spokesman continued. “Since the birth of man, the the Heavenly Father has caused countless deaths of the most defenseless and innocent of victims. Not only that, but he openly boasts about his crimes in his memoir, The Old Testament, where he admits preventing the implantation of zygotes in Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah, among others.”

The indictment is not limited to the zygote murders mentioned by name in The Old Testament, which are merely specific examples of the Prince of Peace’s crimes. The Just One also readily admits to the general accusation against him: “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”

The indictment includes only the crime of preventing zygote implantation, not of causing miscarriages. According to the ICC spokesman, “Everybody knows that when a woman miscarries, it’s her own damn fault, so the Court expects signatories to the Rome Statute to  to speedily enact legislation mandating murder charges for any woman who loses a baby.”

The Merciful One, Blessed Be He, was unavailable for comment.

Speaking as a religious Jew, I can assure you that I do not find it “inclusive” or “welcoming” for you to call the tree you’re lighting today a “holiday tree”.

If it were my choice, there would be no religious symbols of any sort on public property. But since that’s never going to happen, at the very least the symbols that are erected to recognize various people’s religious observances should actually recognize those observances, not water them down and engage in ludicrous newspeak to imply they’re something they’re not.

The only December holiday that involves a tree is Christmas. Please call it what it is and stop pandering to a class of people that don’t actually exist. Nobody who’s offended by Christmas trees on public property is mollified by calling them something different.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Kamens

Here’s my response: http://blog.kamens.us/jew-is-not-a-bad-word/.

Less than 12 hours after I posted that blog entry, I received email from someone at Computershare:

Hello Mr. Kamens,

One of my colleagues reads your blog and came across one referencing State of Israel Bonds…

We certainly hope to live up to bondholder expectations and believe we are off to a great start.

In the blog I noticed you referenced a question as to why two separate accounts were being maintained for you (and your wife) and the answer lies in legal requirements we are obligated to adhere to, but which may be easily cured…

It seems that one of your accounts include middle initials of you and your wife, while the other does not.  Pretty annoying, I’m sure, but we can help with that if you like.

If you want to resolve this, because some of your accounts are in certificate form, normally you would need to give us a call so that the proper forms could be sent out to you for return, along with the certificates.  I can facilitate sending the forms to you if you want me to do so, just say the word.  Otherwise, if you want to leave things as, you don’t need to do anything…

If you do write about Computershare and the fiscal agency again, feel free to remind folks that we welcome opportunities to service them and have several options for bondholders to access, and influence, information on their account ranging from securely logging in to their account via  www.israelbondsdirect.com, to our toll free customer service lines (1-866-SOI-DIAL (764-3425)), and of course, snail mail addresses…

Thanks again for the welcome note on your blog!

OMG, that is so freakin’ unbelievable.

Until very recently, Israeli Bonds sold in the United States were administered by BNY Mellon. They’ve been the agents for some other stock I’ve owned, and they have been consistently difficult and unpleasant to deal with.

For the Israeli Bonds in particular, every year for as far back as I can remember, BNY Mellon has mailed out the 1099-OID’s for our bonds either right at the January 31 deadline set by federal law, or sometimes even later than January 31, in violation of the law. We couldn’t complete or file our taxes until the forms arrived, and it also made it much more difficult for us to apply for financial aid for our children’s school, since the application process includes submitting a copy of our tax return.

Also, every year the forms arrived from BNY Mellon in multiple mailings weeks apart, so we became accustomed to receiving some of them and then drumming our fingers for weeks waiting for the rest.

That’s exactly what happened this year. In mid-January, we received two 1099-OID’s; we were expecting a total of eight. We waited and waited, and the other six forms never showed up. Finally, today, February 16, I called BNY Mellon to ask where they were (note that the IRS instructions for missing W-2 and 1099 forms says you’re supposed to wait until February 15 to complain about missing forms).

The BNY Mellon agent with whom I spoke informed me that in fact I had received all of my 1099-OID’s already. It seems that this year, BNY Mellon decided, without any explanation or notification, to issue  consolidated 1099-OID forms, issuing one per account rather than one for each bond. Since my wife and I have two separate bond accounts (because of another annoying BNY Mellon issue: they were unable to merge the accounts, despite the fact that they are owned by the same two people with the same two social security numbers), we received just two 1099-OID’s, not eight.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I think issuing consolidated 1099-OID’s is a great idea. But not only did they not tell anyone this is what they were doing, the 1099-OID’s they issued actually implied exactly the opposite. Here’s one of them:

(click for larger image)

At the top of the 1099-OID they’ve printed the description and maturity date of one bond. In the Description box of the 1099-OID they’ve printed the CUSIP of one bond. Nowhere on the 1099-OID or accompanying documents are any other bonds mentioned. And yet, in the value box of the 1099-OID, they’re reported the sum of the OID for six bonds. Let me be clear: not only is there no indication whatsoever that they’ve done this, there are seemingly clear signs that they have not. Signs which are completely, utterly wrong.

The stupidity of this is simply mind-boggling.

As of this year, the State of Israel has switched from BNY Mellon to Computershare to administer their bonds.

To the State of Israel: I’m sure I’m not the only one who has complained to you over the years about BNY Mellon’s terrible service. It’s about freakin’ time you found somebody else.

To Computershare: Welcome. Please do a better job than BNY Mellon.

To BNY Mellon: Get a clue about how to produce tax documents in the future that actually make sense. And don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Sound intriguing? Well, then, click here to find out more!

My bar mitzvah was December 18, 1982, the second Shabbat of Hanukah, parashat Miketz. Each year on the anniversary of my bar mitzvah, I read part of the Torah reading (the first four aliyot is all I’ve managed to learn in all these years), and each year, I see something new in this remarkable parasha. This year I noticed two things I’d never noticed before.

Money in their sacks

Why did Yosef return his brothers’ money to them when they left Egypt the first time, without Shimon? The essence of his plan was for them to be forced to return with Binyamin when they ran out of food, and they would have had to do that even if he had kept their money.

One possible explanation is that he did so to “disomfit” them, to increase their unease and fear and thereby pressure them to reveal their true character. However, I find this explanation lacking, because surely the acts of holding Shimon prisoner and of (later) framing Binyamin for the theft of his divining cup, was sufficient for that purpose.

Another, related explanation is that Yosef hoped to ascertain whether the brothers were now honest men by seeing if they would return the money on their second visit. However, this explanation is also lacking, because (again) their true character was revealed by their reaction to Binyamin’s frame-up. Returning the money was simply not necessary.

In fact, I think Yosef’s reason for returning his brothers’ money was far more noble than either of these. Yosef had been separated from his beloved father, who loved him dearly and was crushed by his loss, for 23 years. In that time, Yosef had done nothing to ease his father’s suffering. He had done nothing to honor his father as our tradition demands.

After all that time, along came his brothers, with money that was in part, if not entirely, their father’s. They came not only to buy food for them and their wives and children, but also for their father, for Yosef’s beloved Ya’akov. Yosef could not reveal himself at once, because as his dreams foretold, they first had to be tested to redeem themselves. Even then, with his brothers in front of him, his father would continue to suffer.

Yosef wanted to do something to honor his father, and so he did the only thing he could: he refused to take his father’s money, and instead viewed it as an honor and privilege to be able to provide for his father in a time of need.

Halacha does not require a child to spend his/her own money to support a parent. Yosef was not required to give his father food and return his money to him. Nevertheless, he did so to honor his father. The alternative, making his own father pay him money he didn’t need for food his father needed to survive, was simply unthinkable to him.

Money in their sacks, take 2

Yosef was not only a righteous, god-fearing man. He was also a very smart man, and his plan for testing his brothers to reveal their true character was meticulously planned in the few seconds he had to decide what to do when his brothers first appeared before him in Egypt. A small aspect of the Miketz story makes the cleverness of Yosef’s plan amazingly clear.

Consider this… After the brothers’ first visit to Egypt, which went quite poorly by any measure and ended with one of them being held in captivity, they discovered to their chagrin on the way home that for their money had been returned to their sacks. Eventually, they had to go down to Egypt again to buy more food. Put yourself in their shoes: after what happened the first time, what would they have done before leaving the second time?

They obviously would have checked their bags to make sure that their money had been successfully left behind this time. And yet they didn’t. Why is that?

We see the answer in the events leading up to their second departure. Yosef had the brothers brought to his house, and there, he served them a large meal. According to the text, “And they drank, and were merry with him.” That translation is somewhat loose. The Hebrew is quite clear: they got drunk. Judging from the tone of the text, they probably got very drunk. Here’s what happened next:

1 And he commanded the steward of his house, saying: ‘Fill the men’s sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put every man’s money in his sack’s mouth.

2 And put my goblet, the silver goblet, in the sack’s mouth of the youngest, and his corn money.’ And he did according to the word that Joseph had spoken.

3 As soon as the morning was light, the men were sent away, they and their asses.

It is worth noting that the text does not say that the brothers slept. It would be reasonable to interpret this as meaning that they partied until dawn. (Insert image here of the brothers downing drink after drink while Yosef keeps pouring his into a potted plant.)

The Talmud teaches that a man’s character can be learned “מכיסו, כעסו, וכוסו,” i.e., from his pocket (how he spends his money), his anger (how and about what he gets angry), and his cup (i.e., how he acts when he’s drunk). Therefore, one might suppose that Yosef got his brothers drunk to see what they would say and do with their inhibitions lowered. However, I find that explanation lacking for the reason I’ve already mentioned: the only critical test was how they would react when Binyamin was accused of taking Yosef’s cup.

I think Yosef got his brothers good and drunk to ensure that when they were unceremoniously kicked out of his house at dawn the next day, they would be too tired and too drunk (or hung over) to remember to check their bags before leaving.

I admire Yosef not only for the righteousness which made it impossible for him to accept his father’s money in exchange for food, but also for the cleverness which enabled him to create and carry out such a perfect plan for his brothers’ trials and ultimate redemption.

Remember how IsraelSims claimed that they had sent us a replacement pair of SIM card on July 27 when the ones they’d supposedly sent July 20 hadn’t arrived? They even repeated that claim to me in email on July 29, in which they mentioned “the 4 SIM cards we sent you.”

Well, the replacement pair of SIM cards still hasn’t arrived, six mail delivery days after they claim to have sent them. It appears that my suspicion was correct that rather than actually sending replacement cards, they just mailed the original set of SIM cards that they hadn’t gotten around to mailing for a week.

• Their Web site claims you can get sales answers from them by emailing sales@israelsims.com, but they don’t actually respond to sales inquiries at that address. LIE
• Their Web site claims you can get support from them by emailing support@israelsims.com, but they don’t actually respond to support inquiries at that address. LIE
• When you call after hours, their voicemail claims that if you leave a message they’ll call you back, but they don’t actually respond to voicemail messages. LIE
• Either their Web site lies about the cost of calls to the US on their SIM cards, or they lied when they told me the SIM cards sold at the airport are the same as theirs. LIE
• Their Web site claims, “All orders will be shipped within 24 to 48 hours of receiving your order.” LIE
• When I spoke to them the first time about our missing SIM cards, they said they’d look into it and call me back. They never called back. LIE
• When I spoke to them the first time about our missing SIM cards, they said they’d send us replacements via FedEx. They didn’t. LIE
• When I spoke to them the second time about our missing SIM cards, they continued to keep up the pretense that replacement cards had been sent. LIE Furthermore, they acted all surprised about the fact that their “warehouse” had “switched” from FedEx to postal mail. There is no “warehouse” — it’s a one-man business, LIE and that one man was the person who had “switched from FedEx to postal mail” (actually just mailing the order that he hadn’t bothered to mail before). LIE
• When I spoke to them the second time about our missing SIM cards, they said they’d figure out what happened and call me back. They didn’t. LIE
• Either the rate for calls to the US and Europe posted on their Web site is a LIE, or they LIEd to me when they claimed that the SIM cards at the airport are the same as the ones they sell. Or both.
• In email to me on July 29, they repeated the LIE for the third time that they had sent replacement cards which were in fact never sent.

In short, LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE.

Please think twice before doing business with this company.