International Criminal Court Indicts God for Mass Murder

By | February 10, 2012

One of God’s victims?
Credit: Henry Vandyke Carter [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The Hague, The Netherlands – February 10, 2012 – The International Criminal Court today announced a sweeping indictment of the Lord God Almighty for mass murder.

An ICC spokesman explained the indictment. “We are emerging from a dark era in which humanity failed to recognize the full personhood of fertilized eggs. Now that we know the truth, we must seek justice for the trillions of innocent babies slaughtered in cold blood by the Creator. Even now, as I make this statement, the killing continues unabated.

“Since a fertilized egg has all the rights and privileges of a full-fledged human being, anything which prevents one from developing into a healthy baby is an act of murder. Anyone who has watched a teen-aged girl pee on a stick, look at it five minutes later, and cry out ‘Thank God!’ while slumping to the floor crying hysterically, knows that when a zygote fails to implant itself in its mother’s uterus, the Master of the Universe is to blame.”

“The target of this indictment is the most cruel, merciless, evil, psychopathic mass murder the ICC has ever pursued,” the ICC spokesman continued. “Since the birth of man, the the Heavenly Father has caused countless deaths of the most defenseless and innocent of victims. Not only that, but he openly boasts about his crimes in his memoir, The Old Testament, where he admits preventing the implantation of zygotes in Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah, among others.”

The indictment is not limited to the zygote murders mentioned by name in The Old Testament, which are merely specific examples of the Prince of Peace’s crimes. The Just One also readily admits to the general accusation against him: “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”

The indictment includes only the crime of preventing zygote implantation, not of causing miscarriages. According to the ICC spokesman, “Everybody knows that when a woman miscarries, it’s her own damn fault, so the Court expects signatories to the Rome Statute to speedily enact legislation mandating murder charges for any woman who loses a baby.”

The Merciful One, Blessed Be He, was unavailable for comment.

 

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